3 Essentials of Relationship Communication | Anderson Coaching

Communication

Couples continue to rate communication as one of their top challenges. Why is that? It?s because we?re all different! We see things from different perspectives and points of view. Our life experiences have shaped us differently than our spouse or significant other.

There are three important points that are essential for good communication in a relationship.
1. Space and time- if we do not carve out space in our overscheduled lives to communicate, we will end up frustrated

2. Emotional safety- if we don?t feel safe we will not open ourselves up

3. Active listening- often we bring our own agenda and are not open to what someone else might be thinking

Space and Time
We simply cannot communicate if we do not create space and time. There are so many things in today?s world that sabotage our relationships. Media, texting, facebook, twitter, blogs (like you?re reading now!), jobs, degrees, family, friends, kids (once you have them), etc. can all get in the way of our relationships. On their own, none of these things are evil. We can, however, give them more power than they deserve, all the while draining the life out of our relationships.

Do you remember this AT&T commercial? The couple is on a romantic date. At least what appears to be a romantic date, until the man begins to check his phone for sports highlights. The problem is that while the woman is talking, the man is doing something else and she knows it: ?Did you just check the game on your phone?? she asks. The man tries to squirm his way out of it: ?What? No! What am I, like, some kind of summoner who can just summon football footage to his phone like that??
What?s good for the sports fan (being able to stay in the loop almost anywhere) can be bad for relationships.
As any good marriage counselor will tell you, nothing is more important than listening and being present. What you?re listening to ? whether it?s your spouse, parent, or a football game ? is where your attention is. And where your attention is says a lot about where your heart is.

Let?s face it. We are constantly bombarded with information, events, and obligations. We are over-scheduled. Even when we create time for ourselves, we typically fill it with business, facebook, pinterest, etc. Nobody is going to protect our relationships. We are the only ones who can take them into our own hands and purposefully invest in them.

Emotional Safety
Author Greg Smalley, son of famous marriage expert, Gary Smalley, states that couples need to create a relationship that feels like the safest place on earth. He believes that couples that succeed in marriage are those who have gained the knowledge and tools they need before they settle in to destructive patterns that lead to divorce. The bottom line is that love is a decision, not a feeling.
You might ask why is emotional safety is so important? He states, ?When people feel safe, they are naturally inclined to open their hearts- and intimacy occurs naturally. On the other hand, when the heart senses a threat or feels unsafe, it closes and the individual will disconnect relationally.? Emotional safety leads to deeper intimacy. Smalley says that if the heart senses a threat or feels unsafe, it closes and the
individual will disconnect relationally.

What is emotional safety? Smalley describes emotional safety as ?feeling free to open up and reveal
who you really are, knowing that the other person will still love, accept, and value you, no matter what. In other words, you hold your heart out to the person and say, ?Here is who I am emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and mentally. I want you to know my heart and soul. I want you to get to know who I am and appreciate who I am and value who I am. I am a very fascinating person that will take you more than one lifetime to get to know! But I am not going to offer my heart to you or reveal who I really am, if I don?t feel safe.?

We are often fed the myth that we are looking for a spouse to ?complete us?.

How do you create a safe relationship?
1. Understand that relationships are about growth, not completing one another.
2. Do things together. (For men, this looks like activities, for women, it looks like conversation.)
3. Get to know each other intimately. Ask questions of curiosity. Learn each other?s personality differences, family history, relational needs, holidays, deepest thoughts, wants, beliefs, areas of sensitivity, trust, retirement dreams, fears, interests, pets, television, space, children, secrets, savings, travel, romance, hopes, dreams, etc.
4. Learn how to manage conflict. Conflict is inevitable in any relationship.
5. Realize that there is no auto-pilot in marriage. Marriage is work, not a honeymoon.

Active Listening
Active listening is so important in a relationship. So often, we make assumptions about what the other person is feeling or thinking. One way to make sure that we are not assuming things is to use the speaker/listener technique. You may have heard of the speaker/listener technique before, but if you haven?t, it?s a great tool. It may feel a little funny at first, as it is not how we normally engage with each other, but it really does work! Check out the rules below:

Rules for Speaker:
? Speak for yourself. Don?t mind read!
? Don?t go on and on.
? Stop and let the listener paraphrase
Rules for Listener:
? Paraphrase what you hear.
? Don?t rebut. Focus on what the speaker is saying.
Rules for Both:
? The speaker has the floor.
? Speaker keeps the floor while the listener paraphrases.
? Shares the floor.

As you can tell, relationships are work! The good news is that a rewarding, fulfilling marriage is attainable! Those relationships that thrive are the ones where couples invest in each other. They create space and time. They learn to make the relationship safe for both members. They truly listen to each other, rather than worrying about meeting their own agenda. Check out http://www.andersoncoaching.org to learn more about what I do as a coach and how I can help you invest in your relationships!

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Source: http://andersoncoaching.wordpress.com/2013/05/11/3-essentials-of-relationship-communication/

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